The diagnosis of a 17 level spinal tumor was.. hard. The surgery was.. hard. The hospital stay was hard. Rehabbing my sweet 2 year old was terrifying. Balancing the needs/wants of my 4 favorite people (3 of them being 3 and under) while being separated by an hour most days was hard. Watching my sweet baby become a terrified mean child in the hospital was heart breaking. Seeing the exhaustion in my husband's eyes, dealing with things he should never have to deal with was tough. Asking my mom for more help than I would ever dream of asking for was painful. Being a nurse, but not having any idea how to help my child.. was terrible.
But, I expected all of that. While I sat at Dayton Children's back in April, receiving the news about my baby, I KNEW hard was coming. I heard "tumor" and I KNEW my life was about to get hard. I knew we would all hear, see and deal with things we never want to deal with. I knew it.
At the diagnoses, our people RALLIED around us. People I didn't even know were our people.... maybe they didn't even know they were our people... but they saw us in need and supported us. We were overwhelmed. If you know me personally, you know I don't ask for help. I'm what they call.. stubborn. ;-) Friends, family and strangers gave us emotional and physical support, shoulders to cry on and distractions.
But once it was all "over", life goes back to normal... right??
I didn't plan for the "after". Thank GOD, there IS an after. I guess there is always an "after", but this is a GOOD "after". I guess I wasn't prepared for how to move on after. The anxiety riddles me, especially close to follow up appointments. I am a totally different, sad, frustrated, teary, anxious person close to appointments/tests. I haven't figured out how to move on, without letting the past 9 months control me. No one prepared us for how hard it would to overcome. Sometimes I feel like I'm living on borrowed time, like I can't exhale because the second I do.. something bad is going to knock the breath out of me again.
At midnight tonight, it's going to be magical. I am so ready to close this chapter and open a new one in 2018. I'm ready to take the new perspective I've learned on life and really utilize it. It is silly how amazing our outcome was and how down I get. Hello?! Does that even make sense?! No! Get it together, Mama!
I know I am lucky. I know my girl is a miracle. I know my family is going to ROCK 2018. I know my almost THREE year old had some stupid ass tumor that is never coming back.
Some awesome things came out of 2017. We bought an amazing house. Jake received a promotion. We both love our jobs! Our kids are the happiest kids ever. And our family/friends have proven themselves time and time again to be the world's greatest. And my kid, the one that had the surgery that could have left her paralyzed or worse.. yeah, she's RUNNING around, perfectly normal. We are BLESSED!!!
Onward and upward friends. Happy New Years! Thank you for being apart of the lowest of lows and the highest of highs this year.
“I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?"
