Introducing.. Vivian Leigh Miller!!

Eeeeeek!!! My girl is HERE! On January 2, 2015 at 3:32pm, my sweet Vivian Leigh came into our world at a striking 9lbs 9oz and 21 1/2 inches long. She has dark hair and quite the tan. She is BEAUTIFUL.

As soon as I saw her, I told Jake.. She is Bryn's TWIN! And, she really is. Below is Bryn on the left, and Vivian on the right.

Can I just say that this was THE most perfect delivery I could've imagined?! Let's back up to Bryn's delivery... if you have heard me talk about it in the past, you know it was a nightmare. NIGHT. MARE. The induction was fine. The delivery was terrible. My epidural had worn off (even though everyone said I just was feeling "pressure".. No.). The 45 minutes following having Bryn, I didn't get to hold her... I cried and cried and cried.. Jake asked "Are you so happy?" And I said "I don't think so". Awful. My hospital stay I was a HOT FREAKING MESS. Everything stressed me out. I couldn't get up without help. Bryn would breastfeed for hours straight.. then cry.. and Jake had to bring her to me each time or help me reposition in bed. Like, I was in so much pain. At home, I was unable to sit for weeks to follow.. and I could barely walk around the house. I don't think I saw my basement for 2-3 weeks to follow. NIGHTMARE. But.. it was deemed "normal". (Mommies to be.. this is SO NOT NORMAL!!!)
I loved my baby, so much. My love for her was never something I questioned, what I questioned was whether or not I was capable of being a good mom to her. I second guessed everything, called my mom CONSTANTLY, and was terrified to do something wrong. And I cried.. ohhh, did I cry. I didn't feel like I could be good enough for my perfect baby. Because (Bryn, if you are reading this)... my baby was PERFECT!
Mommies, all that I described above, is called BABY BLUES (postpartum depression).. and should totally be brought up to your doctor because there is a pill that will take care of ALL of that. It is common.  And, being a nurse, I absolutely should've known better than to let it go.. but I did. Kinda depressing to look back on, but I'm just keeping it real. I will never let myself feel like that again.

Back to THIS experience. It was amazing. I was induced for fear of this baby being a giant (Bryn was 8lbs 14oz, a week early). I went into this induction terrified because all the memories of last time flooded my mind. We arrived at the hospital at 5am. They started my pitocin.. I bounced on a ball for hours.. walked around.. joked with Jake.. envied his delicious food he was eating.. watched Friends... napped a little...  awesome. My contractions were pretty intense before I asked for the epidural. I didn't want to be stuck in bed all day so I waited until I thought I was getting close. It worked amazing. Once the nurse said I was ready to push, I was so excited. In between pushes, I was laughing and chatting with the doctor and nurse. Vivian was born after 20 minutes of pushing. And she literally came out looking like Bryn, with dark hair. Here is a pic of me telling Jake "Oh my gosh... she's looks JUST LIKE BRYN!" I know I look like a hot mess, but I love the excitement he captured..

Unfortunately, the flu is going around and the hospital will not allow children under the age of 14 weren't allowed in the hospital. This meant my almost 4 year old and 5 year old nieces, 10 year old brother and 1 year old Bryn couldn't come see us. I was devastated (luckily, I knew before I went into the hospital so I had mentally prepared myself). Those 4 kids are super important to me and I really wanted to be able to see them, but I also knew I didn't want other parents to bring in a bunch of kids and put my newborn at risk.. so I understood. Bryn was at my parents that day (and later went to in-laws.. Bryn is a very wanted toddler!).. Here she is seeing a picture of her baby sister for the first time.. I loved getting this in the hospital!!!!!

I had such a great hospital experience. My pain was minimal. And I made two decisions that saved my sanity. One was sending my newborn to the nursery at night. I didn't do that with Bryn.. my body didn't have any time to heal and I had a fussy newborn. She was fussy because her mom was anxious and couldn't figure out breastfeeding.. and she was a chunk and needed to eat. Moms used to send their babies to the nursery ALL THE TIME.. like, you.. you probably were in the nursery at night in the hospital. BUT.. our generation makes us feel guilty for not "bonding" with the baby. I felt guilty for a little while.. but the next morning.. I realized how much BETTER and more CAPABLE I was during the day for letting my body rest and mend. It was a great decision. Maybe not for everyone.. but it was perfect for me.
The other decision I made that saved me was to bottle feed. As I said before, I had an awful time with it previously. I hated it. I couldn't figure out how to breastfeed and have people over.. or run multiple errands..and my husband couldn't help me. I tried for a month and stopped. I felt guilty the whole time. When Vivian was born, I breastfed for the first hour.. looked at Jake and my mom and said "I already hate this".. and then it dawned on me.. WHY do it then? If it is going to ruin my experience with my newborn.. I am not doing it. My nurses and lactation consultant all agreed with my decision. They said "If you didn't like it before, then you probably won't again.. and it won't work if you don't like it". The whole staff was so supportive and I really appreciated that. So, guilt free.. I am not breastfeeding. And guess what, I'm a better mom for it! ;-)

Daddy holding his second princess for the first time. He really let me soak up my moments with Vivi before he asked to hold her. He was so sweet. It made his heart melt when she grabbed his finger. I love this man. 

 Sweet little girl.

 And to think, the day before I had this little girl, I cried and cried wondering if I could love her as much as I love Bryn. Such wasted tears. I could, and I do. My heart didn't get cut in half.. it just doubled in size.

 Miller women coming to visit Vivian.

Gary and Jud were in charge of my nieces and Bryn.. Here's what they were dealing with while the women were at the hospital (for literally like.. an hour)..

Are you dying?! I was DYING LAUGHING! Girlfriend has so much fun there!!! 

 I LOVE this headband I got for Vivian. It's obnoxious, I know.. but the middle of it has an interchangeable piece that allows me to do her month milestones on it. So, you will see her in it once a month until she is a year! Can't wait to see the growth! I got it at Becoming Mom in Mason for $20.. WORTH. EVERY. PENNY! 

And here is Vivian Leigh.. ready to come HOME.. 

I bought the hat on clearance and threw it in our "go" bag weeks ago.. then my Aunt and Uncle bought her that Little Sister outfit for Christmas.. and I threw it in the the bag as well. Only when I got to the hospital did I realize how PERFECT it matched. Ah! Love it!!!

 

Okay, that's all I've got.. for now! I will do a post of my Bryn and Vivian meeting and how we are doing with that new dynamic (I'll give you a hint.. we kinda love it.. it's work, but we love it!). Vivi is the perfect little newborn, besides the fact that she sleeps ALL DAY LONG.. and is up the majority of the night. Yikes. Didn't have that problem with Bryn.. stay tuned.. I might have delirious posts in the near future hehe!

Two Year of Pregnancy-- Part Two.. My Vivi

So I'm a few days from having our Vivian Leigh and I. AM. PUMPED!!!!!
There are quite a few reasons I'm pumped. One being, I have totally hated the hormones this pregnancy.  They are AWFUL. At some points, I have been.. tolerable. But, for the most part.. I am a hot mess. Another reason I'm pumped is because my body has hated me this pregnancy. I am so sore, all the time.. I've been hobbling around for about 20 weeks. And if I sit on the ground.. Lord knows I'm not getting up without assistance (which, as you can imagine, is quite difficult with a toddler). But the reason I am MOST pumped.. is to meet this little girl. I'm SO SO SO anxious to meet her. What color hair will she have? How big? What kind of personality? Will the same tricks I used with Bryn work with her? Eeeeek! Such a sweet little mystery!!!! :-)

This pregnancy started out on somewhat of a sad note. We unexpectedly found out we were pregnancy mid March. We were in shock. I hadn't been tracking my menstrual cycle because I had been pregnant.. and then breastfeeding.. so when I randomly wondered if I was pregnant, the positive test was a complete surprise. We were uneasy at first.. I mean, we had a 3 month old. How were we going to do this.. again and so soon. We were nervous, but quickly  became excited for Bryn to have a sibling so close in age. We knew it would be hard.. but Jake and I are totally up for any challenge. We weren't really sure how far along I was.. like I said, we hadn't tracked anything so we made an appointment for a few weeks later to find out how far along I was. Unfortunately, the day before that appointment, I started heavily bleeding. And.. to spare the details, I ended up miscarrying. We were devastated. If you are a close friend, or even family member and didn't know.. know that we barely spoke about it. It really is only now that I am completely at peace with it. Because of that surprise little Miller angel, we decided we WERE ready to have another and that although we knew it would be difficult, we thought Bryn would love having a sibling so close in age. So yes, this pregnancy was planned.. but it wasn't our plan all along. God had a whole plan for us that he hadn't told us about. And although we still get sad from time to time, we know this little Vivian wouldn't exist without our little angel baby. All in His time.

So, a month and a half later, we became pregnant. We were nervous about how quickly it happened and were hesitant to tell people. But we were excited.

This pregnancy was a lot different then Bryn's. I was sick like Bryn's.. but I was an emotional mess. I think between the hormones from the miscarriage and the new pregnancy so close together.. it made me a hot mess. And honestly, it lasted essentially this whole pregnancy. My feelings get hurt extra easily, things that typically wouldn't phase me feel like life/death, and my poor husband has had do deal with it all. I have my good days. But, not enough to make up for my bad ones. In fact, we swore from day 1 that this HAD to be a boy. I felt so different.. must be a boy, right?!

Here was our little announcement! Look at our little one, announcing she is becoming a "big" sister. 

 With Bryn, we waited until our 21 week appointment to find out the sex. We weren't in any rush. This pregnancy, I was DYING to know. We knew the due date was just a month after Bryn's birthday... so if it was another girl, we needed nothing but diapers. a crib and such. If it was a boy, we needed a ton. So.. we went to a facility in Springboro called Bright Beginnings at 15 weeks to find out the sex and get 3D ultrasound. SO much fun. Jake's mom (his dad was working), my parents and my grandma all came.. and we found out it was another GIRL! Eeeeekkk! We would've been happy with anything, but I think it'll be so fun to have two girls so close in age.. and already having almost everything we need is a huge plus! :-)

When Gary got off work, Bryn greeted him with the news! Big sister is getting a little sister!!! 

I didn't take many pictures this pregnancy.. mostly because I felt like I had a million extra pounds on me to begin with.. and then started gaining baby weight. Only towards the end of this pregnancy did I realize, WHO CARES?! We went to Florida with my family that June. My husband couldn't join because he had just started a new job. But, my family never has the opportunity to spend long extended periods of time with my girl, and I didn't mind the extra work to take her to Florida.. so off we went. It was a blast, but I'll never go without him again. We missed him and I felt awful having firsts without him around.

 My sweet lil family of 3.. with the 4th in my belly!!! :-)

Couple of weddings this summer with my Vivi belly

 Strawberry festival! Doesn't Bryn look like just a teeny tiny babe.. not a BIG sister to be?!

Aaaaand.. the baby bump starts progressing. I think I was 22 weeks here..

                                  That bump is so convenient for holding this chunk! ;-)

About the fall is when my body began to fall apart. Evenings were the worst.. I would get soooo sore. I blame a lot of it on the weight I still had on me from Bryn's pregnancy. I naturally have a little frame (you can't tell much anymore).. and all this weight really took a toll on my body. Sciatic pain, back pain, swelling.. it began extra early this pregnancy. It also doesn't help that I was chasing a toddler. I would get so down on myself when I couldn't do something.. I have heavily relied on Jake since about late September. That is hard for me because I want to be able to do it all. It actually got better towards the very end. But looking back at these pictures.. I know I was struggling.

 Jake's Christmas Party for work. 36.5 weeks prego. Oyyyy!

 38 weeks pregnant.. girly Christmas jammie party! Couldn't miss out on fun with my girls.. especially when it the attire was so perfect for a super prego lady.

 Aside from my emotions and my body hurting, Vivian has been a little joy to have in my belly. Every time I would start to get down, she would move.. a ton.. and it reminds me WHY I'm doing this. She has been way more active than Bryn. My blood pressure never was higher than 130/80.. and the majority of the time it was 120/70. Jake has been a HUGE help to me and has really gone above and beyond. Does he get annoyed with me? Duh. Does he think I'm a drama queen? Definitely. But he rarely shows it. He has been a gem and I can't wait to start this new chapter with him (and remind him how awesome I am when I'm not pregnant hehehe).

Over the past couple of weeks, my body has progressed from 1 1/2 cm dilated.. to 3cm.. to now 4cm. My body never did that with Bryn. We are getting sooooo close! We will have a new addition to our family by the end of the weekend.. and as I said at the beginning.. I AM PUMPED!!!!