Introducing.. Vivian Leigh Miller!!

Eeeeeek!!! My girl is HERE! On January 2, 2015 at 3:32pm, my sweet Vivian Leigh came into our world at a striking 9lbs 9oz and 21 1/2 inches long. She has dark hair and quite the tan. She is BEAUTIFUL.

As soon as I saw her, I told Jake.. She is Bryn's TWIN! And, she really is. Below is Bryn on the left, and Vivian on the right.

Can I just say that this was THE most perfect delivery I could've imagined?! Let's back up to Bryn's delivery... if you have heard me talk about it in the past, you know it was a nightmare. NIGHT. MARE. The induction was fine. The delivery was terrible. My epidural had worn off (even though everyone said I just was feeling "pressure".. No.). The 45 minutes following having Bryn, I didn't get to hold her... I cried and cried and cried.. Jake asked "Are you so happy?" And I said "I don't think so". Awful. My hospital stay I was a HOT FREAKING MESS. Everything stressed me out. I couldn't get up without help. Bryn would breastfeed for hours straight.. then cry.. and Jake had to bring her to me each time or help me reposition in bed. Like, I was in so much pain. At home, I was unable to sit for weeks to follow.. and I could barely walk around the house. I don't think I saw my basement for 2-3 weeks to follow. NIGHTMARE. But.. it was deemed "normal". (Mommies to be.. this is SO NOT NORMAL!!!)
I loved my baby, so much. My love for her was never something I questioned, what I questioned was whether or not I was capable of being a good mom to her. I second guessed everything, called my mom CONSTANTLY, and was terrified to do something wrong. And I cried.. ohhh, did I cry. I didn't feel like I could be good enough for my perfect baby. Because (Bryn, if you are reading this)... my baby was PERFECT!
Mommies, all that I described above, is called BABY BLUES (postpartum depression).. and should totally be brought up to your doctor because there is a pill that will take care of ALL of that. It is common.  And, being a nurse, I absolutely should've known better than to let it go.. but I did. Kinda depressing to look back on, but I'm just keeping it real. I will never let myself feel like that again.

Back to THIS experience. It was amazing. I was induced for fear of this baby being a giant (Bryn was 8lbs 14oz, a week early). I went into this induction terrified because all the memories of last time flooded my mind. We arrived at the hospital at 5am. They started my pitocin.. I bounced on a ball for hours.. walked around.. joked with Jake.. envied his delicious food he was eating.. watched Friends... napped a little...  awesome. My contractions were pretty intense before I asked for the epidural. I didn't want to be stuck in bed all day so I waited until I thought I was getting close. It worked amazing. Once the nurse said I was ready to push, I was so excited. In between pushes, I was laughing and chatting with the doctor and nurse. Vivian was born after 20 minutes of pushing. And she literally came out looking like Bryn, with dark hair. Here is a pic of me telling Jake "Oh my gosh... she's looks JUST LIKE BRYN!" I know I look like a hot mess, but I love the excitement he captured..

Unfortunately, the flu is going around and the hospital will not allow children under the age of 14 weren't allowed in the hospital. This meant my almost 4 year old and 5 year old nieces, 10 year old brother and 1 year old Bryn couldn't come see us. I was devastated (luckily, I knew before I went into the hospital so I had mentally prepared myself). Those 4 kids are super important to me and I really wanted to be able to see them, but I also knew I didn't want other parents to bring in a bunch of kids and put my newborn at risk.. so I understood. Bryn was at my parents that day (and later went to in-laws.. Bryn is a very wanted toddler!).. Here she is seeing a picture of her baby sister for the first time.. I loved getting this in the hospital!!!!!

I had such a great hospital experience. My pain was minimal. And I made two decisions that saved my sanity. One was sending my newborn to the nursery at night. I didn't do that with Bryn.. my body didn't have any time to heal and I had a fussy newborn. She was fussy because her mom was anxious and couldn't figure out breastfeeding.. and she was a chunk and needed to eat. Moms used to send their babies to the nursery ALL THE TIME.. like, you.. you probably were in the nursery at night in the hospital. BUT.. our generation makes us feel guilty for not "bonding" with the baby. I felt guilty for a little while.. but the next morning.. I realized how much BETTER and more CAPABLE I was during the day for letting my body rest and mend. It was a great decision. Maybe not for everyone.. but it was perfect for me.
The other decision I made that saved me was to bottle feed. As I said before, I had an awful time with it previously. I hated it. I couldn't figure out how to breastfeed and have people over.. or run multiple errands..and my husband couldn't help me. I tried for a month and stopped. I felt guilty the whole time. When Vivian was born, I breastfed for the first hour.. looked at Jake and my mom and said "I already hate this".. and then it dawned on me.. WHY do it then? If it is going to ruin my experience with my newborn.. I am not doing it. My nurses and lactation consultant all agreed with my decision. They said "If you didn't like it before, then you probably won't again.. and it won't work if you don't like it". The whole staff was so supportive and I really appreciated that. So, guilt free.. I am not breastfeeding. And guess what, I'm a better mom for it! ;-)

Daddy holding his second princess for the first time. He really let me soak up my moments with Vivi before he asked to hold her. He was so sweet. It made his heart melt when she grabbed his finger. I love this man. 

 Sweet little girl.

 And to think, the day before I had this little girl, I cried and cried wondering if I could love her as much as I love Bryn. Such wasted tears. I could, and I do. My heart didn't get cut in half.. it just doubled in size.

 Miller women coming to visit Vivian.

Gary and Jud were in charge of my nieces and Bryn.. Here's what they were dealing with while the women were at the hospital (for literally like.. an hour)..

Are you dying?! I was DYING LAUGHING! Girlfriend has so much fun there!!! 

 I LOVE this headband I got for Vivian. It's obnoxious, I know.. but the middle of it has an interchangeable piece that allows me to do her month milestones on it. So, you will see her in it once a month until she is a year! Can't wait to see the growth! I got it at Becoming Mom in Mason for $20.. WORTH. EVERY. PENNY! 

And here is Vivian Leigh.. ready to come HOME.. 

I bought the hat on clearance and threw it in our "go" bag weeks ago.. then my Aunt and Uncle bought her that Little Sister outfit for Christmas.. and I threw it in the the bag as well. Only when I got to the hospital did I realize how PERFECT it matched. Ah! Love it!!!

 

Okay, that's all I've got.. for now! I will do a post of my Bryn and Vivian meeting and how we are doing with that new dynamic (I'll give you a hint.. we kinda love it.. it's work, but we love it!). Vivi is the perfect little newborn, besides the fact that she sleeps ALL DAY LONG.. and is up the majority of the night. Yikes. Didn't have that problem with Bryn.. stay tuned.. I might have delirious posts in the near future hehe!