My "changed" relationship

Recently, I went back to work. And I. AM. LOVING. IT. I love the extra income.. I love feeling competent in something other than changing diapers.. and I am LOVING the social aspect of it. It's my adult time. But, with that.. comes the real world. I hear about other people's relationships.. good.. and bad.

I talked with a patient who was an attorney. A divorce attorney. And the biggest reason she saw divorces? The spouse "changed". I didn't say much at the time. I continued to listen, but that statement really struck a chord. It's resonated over the past couple weeks and weighed heavy on my heart. I feel very comfortable in my marriage. 92% of the time, Jake and I are best buddies. We joke, we have fun, we are pretty much always on the same page with parenting.. and we just enjoy each other.

 Then, Jake and I had a day that we just hated each other. I'm serious. We both woke up on the wrong side of the bed.. the babies were very trying that day.. and we just couldn't stop being mean to each other. I said he does "NOTHING" around the house to help me (untrue).. he said I do the laundry wrong (Okay, I do).. etc. etc. We were relentless. I'm pretty sure it's normal. I don't think I've ever talked to an honest woman that didn't have stupid fights with her boyfriend or husband. I think relationships show what they are made of in the recovery of fights. We apologized, said we were just being mean.. and went to the zoo the next day. We recover well. And our marriage wasn't, nor will it ever be threatened. We've got it going on.

But, it brought me back to that conversation with the lawyer. "What did I do to bring this fight on?" "Could it be ME who has changed in this relationship?!"

And I came to the conclusion that OF FREAKING COURSE.. I've changed! And so has he! I married a human, not a barbie.. it's in our nature.

I began thinking back to this little college sophomore going to a wedding with this guy she barely knew. I hadn't even made it in the nursing program yet at WSU. I still lived at home.. and had no stress in the world (according to me now, I was very dramatic and always felt stressed). No, I am DEFINITELY not that same girl.

Then, I was SO cool and started dating that guy. He wasn't quite as arrogant as he had initially presented himself. He was sweet and very fun. I was in it for fun. We were in the same little group together and it was easy. Our relationship has really always been pretty easy. I was in the nursing program at this point and life became a little more stressful. His sister had gone through a nursing program and warned Jake that dating me wouldn't be like dating a typical college girl.. he was in for the challenge. I had changed from that easy going 19 year old. I still was a blast (of course!).. but I had to set limits. There were a lot of movie dates while I studied. But our relationship was fun!

When I was 22, we broke up for a few months. We broke up over the timeline of our relationship. I wanted to take it slow, he was 26 and ready to progress things. That time apart made me realize he WAS who I wanted.. and he was still in it. We got back together and shortly after, we were engaged. I was still in school, but I was months from finishing. Things had changed. My mindset was more serious.. I was no longer just in it for fun.. I was getting ready to graduate and saw my future ahead of me. I was DEFINITELY a changed girl.

9 months after we were engaged, we were married. We planned the wedding in 6 months (the first 3 months I was focused on graduating). If I'm being totally honest, when I look back at college... I remember my friendships, working and my clinicals. Jake was there, yes, and he was definitely one of my best buddies.. but my friendships were so important to me and completely took precedence. Up until THIS time. From the time we started planning our wedding until now.. Jake has been my BEST friend. It's funny looking back at when he proposed until now. Things are SO much better... HE is SO much better.. and he was awesome at that time, too. I loved him then.. but he has FAR exceeded any expectation I had.

But I'm jumping ahead. Jake and I completely enjoyed planning the wedding. Financially, it was stressful. But this is when our relationship became a true relationship. We hadn't lived together.. so we really hadn't had to talk money, or plan events together. Planning a wedding really shows you what you are made of.. and we were made of awesomeness. It also helped that I had graduated and wasn't stressed from school anymore.

Oh, and we got a dog. Because.. I didn't think I could love anyone more than I love myself or Jake. Then, Rosalie began to steal my attention from Jake. I contribute wanting kids quickly to this dog making my heart swell. 

We went on a cruise for a honeymoon and realized we "vacation" totally different. Listen, I need a nap. Not really in my every day life.. but on vacation.. in the sun.. and just because I DON'T do it in my every day life.. I need a nap. Jake does NOT. He is like a vacation King. So we parted ways halfway through the day. And at dinner, Jake would have multiple senior citizen friends he met while I napped. But, we had to learn that about each other.. and we were OKAY with it.

In April of 2013, we found out we were pregnant. While I was pregnant, we took two more vacations, I started a new job and we bought a house. We kicked that pregnancy's butt. I was super sweet the whole time. And Jake thought he had hit the jackpot with me prego (don't worry, I prove him SO wrong with Vivi). In this picture, we were at a Dragon's game and had JUST found out days before that we were pregnant. Do you see a glow?! We were SO excited.

We vacationed with both our families the same week that summer. Our families were staying about 15 miles from each other in Florida. It was a struggle trying to balance it. We both love each others families.. but it was trying to balance it. Really puts your relationship to the test.

 Right before we found out Bryn was a GIRL.. I ended up in the hospital. That was our first big NEGATIVE stress in our lives. We got through it with a breeze, but it was a learning experience and definitely changed things.

Bryn was born 3 days after our one year anniversary. Parenting is what changed us most. For the better. We came from two different families with two very different parenting styles. Trying to combine those into a style that works for us has proven to be a test. I struggled with weight after Bryn and insecurity. I also now had to balance being a new, working mom and a wife. I had TWO loves of my life. And a dog who still answered to "prettiest girl in the world". I was spread thin.. and stressed.

To add to the stress and hormones, I had miscarried a baby we were planning for.. then became pregnant immediately after with Vivian. Remember when I said I was insecure.. so now add MORE baby weight.. crazy hormones and trying to plan for a new baby when my baby was only 4 months old. Think that will change ya? Uh... yeah. I was crazy town.

Last picture of a family of 3 (just 2 short years after being married).

So here we are, a family of 4. A 29 year old dad with a great job supporting us, a 25 year old working mom with supplemental income, a 17 month old and 4 month old. And we have two dogs. And a house. And a new car. And bills. And yard work. And laundry. And two families to balance. And lots of friends nearby. And these parents are working on getting healthy (and I get frustrated 75% of the time). Oh, and a marriage that always needs work because.. GREAT marriages take GREAT work.

We have been together 6 years and EVERY.THING has changed. So, yes... I've changed. Wives change. Husbands change. We are human. Jake and I have had an insane 3 years. Like, this time 3 years ago.. we were engaged. But.. things don't calm down from here. In the future, we will talk about when/if we want a third baby... we will have 2 toddlers.. we will have girl teenagers.. we will have to find the patience to teach the kids to drive.. figure out college.. be empty nesters.. all while life is still happening.

If CHANGE is a reason to divorce.. you should've never gotten married in the first place.. because the girl Jake met 6 years ago.. is LONG gone. And the woman or man you married is NOT the same person you initially married. And I think it is something to embrace.. not fight over.

Even though every single thing has changed.. I still wouldn't change a single thing or take back a single moment with this guy. Our fights show us what we are made of.. and we are made of that forever-kinda-love.