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One year ago, was HANDS DOWN, the worst day of my life. Followed by a lot of really, REALLY hard days. Jake and I took Vivi for a MRI with sedation because she had a stiff neck for a couple weeks. Actually, by this actual day, the stiffness resolved and we had our kid back. But because our Pediatrician worked so hard to get us in at Children's, we decided to follow through. Jake almost didn't go. Jesus, what would I have done if I didn't have him there?

We joked and laughed and Snapchatted to pass time. We even thanked God we weren't in the same boat at "those" parents walking the halls. We "just don't know HOW they do it..". (Fight or flight mode is the answer.. you can't run away from your two year old going through Hell, so.. the other choice is to Fight).

After a surprising admission, from what was supposed to be a quick morning, we saw about 15-20 doctors within.. a half hour. Oh, shit. But I'll never forget the well dressed man who came in with his fancy briefcase. He was a neurosurgeon but I could've cared less. He was standing my girl up to assess her. "You freaking dumbass, she JUST had anesthesia.. of COURSE, she is wobbly." (All in my head, of course, because I either word vomit when I'm stressed or go silent... there was a lot of silence) After physically assessing Viv, he took me over to the computer screen. The internal medicine doctor told us this was probably an infection (have you ever prayed for Meningitis? Cuz I have...)
The neurosurgeon then told me the worst thing I could have imagined...

 "This is not an infection. This is a tumor. A very large tumor that has been growing for a very long time."

Vomit. Pit in stomach. Physical agony. Blackout. And then, I remember looking at the nurse. I felt awful for her. Kind of funny now. But she was just trying to do her admission questions when this man comes in and drops a bomb on us. She couldn't leave now. She had to stand there and watch a nightmare play out. I think it's so funny that I focused on that. You just never know how you'll deal.

Somehow I pieced it together. A tumor.. running all the way from my kids neck to almost the bottom of her back. W.T.F. The following day, I would find out it was IN THE MIDDLE of her spinal cord. I didn't catch that day one because.. blackout. The neurosurgeon told me to Google the possible tumors. I couldn't. I didn't. I get it now. It was a lot, and he wanted me to be ready with questions for the next day when he explained the EFFING AWFUL surgery details. But in typical Ashley form, I didn't listen to anyone. Jake leapt into action quicker than I did. It took a long time for our roles to flip. But they did, a few times.

A 3 year old, a 2 year old, a 6 month old and a large stupid effing tumor to dominate.

And dominate, we did. 👊💪

One year out from diagnosis day and it's hard to believe it was only a year ago. I feel like I've lived 5 lifetimes this year.

I'll probably blog a little more to get me through the next few weeks. It's such a happy ending but it's so hard to relive it.

UPDATE from ER Visit

I've had so many people reach out about my Vivian. It is amazing how many hearts she has touched but I can barely make all the official phone calls.. soooo

Here is your update on my sweet baby:
She's perfect. And sweet. And has no idea she is making her mom a crazy person.
You know when the doctor says "Watch for "xyz". Well, now imagine it is your baby.. and multiply it times a million (cuz I'm crazy).

 They told me to "watch her bowel and bladder habits". So, I did. Like a neurotic hawk, I kept an eye on it.

"Do you need to pee? Do you need to poop? Jake, when did you change her diaper last? Did your parents change it? Was it normal? Did it smell? Did it look like it hurt her? Viv, does your belly hurt? Your back? Does it feel funny *down there*?"

Thank God, Alyssa (daycare) watches them, knows I'm crazy and brought it to my attention things were't normal.
So, after keeping an eye on it.. I took her to the ER.

For the most part, things were normal. Her kidneys are good (which is what I stress about the most... I want NO long term side effects from this).. no UTI.. she has reflux and the immediate ultrasound showed urine backing up to her kidneys (cue breakdown)... but the official ultrasound looked OK.

Urology is still giving me time to strengthen her legs in hopes it will strengthen the nerves effecting her bladder. If not, in March, catheterization begins. Because, basically her bladder squeezes, so does her "sphincter", increasing the pressure in her bladder.. and because she has reflux, it shoots urine back towards the kidneys. If her kidneys become damaged, the only thing we can do is a transplant or dialysis. No and no. So, they would put her on a medication to decrease the pressures buuut she couldn't pee on her own. Life changing, yes. Buuuut... it would save her kidneys and could be short term (a year, maybe?). And that would have no long term effects if it works. Do I want that to be the answer? No. NO! Remember guys, I want my baby to be untouched from that stupid effing tumor. I just want this nightmare to be OVER. Why is it dragging on and on and on...

Neurosurgery is concerned.. which has me concerned.
Why did she start retaining urine over the weekend? The only thing that changed is coming out of her brace.
Xray looks good. MRI next week to check.
I hate that his mind goes there. Better safe than sorry.. but... ugh.

So.. my options appear to be... cath my kid, put rods/pins in my kid or there be some kid of mass that's causing issues (unlikely)...

I'll take option D. God's got this. He just hasn't finished His miracle yet.