We joked and laughed and Snapchatted to pass time. We even thanked God we weren't in the same boat at "those" parents walking the halls. We "just don't know HOW they do it..". (Fight or flight mode is the answer.. you can't run away from your two year old going through Hell, so.. the other choice is to Fight).
After a surprising admission, from what was supposed to be a quick morning, we saw about 15-20 doctors within.. a half hour. Oh, shit. But I'll never forget the well dressed man who came in with his fancy briefcase. He was a neurosurgeon but I could've cared less. He was standing my girl up to assess her. "You freaking dumbass, she JUST had anesthesia.. of COURSE, she is wobbly." (All in my head, of course, because I either word vomit when I'm stressed or go silent... there was a lot of silence) After physically assessing Viv, he took me over to the computer screen. The internal medicine doctor told us this was probably an infection (have you ever prayed for Meningitis? Cuz I have...)
The neurosurgeon then told me the worst thing I could have imagined...
"This is not an infection. This is a tumor. A very large tumor that has been growing for a very long time."
Vomit. Pit in stomach. Physical agony. Blackout. And then, I remember looking at the nurse. I felt awful for her. Kind of funny now. But she was just trying to do her admission questions when this man comes in and drops a bomb on us. She couldn't leave now. She had to stand there and watch a nightmare play out. I think it's so funny that I focused on that. You just never know how you'll deal.
Somehow I pieced it together. A tumor.. running all the way from my kids neck to almost the bottom of her back. W.T.F. The following day, I would find out it was IN THE MIDDLE of her spinal cord. I didn't catch that day one because.. blackout. The neurosurgeon told me to Google the possible tumors. I couldn't. I didn't. I get it now. It was a lot, and he wanted me to be ready with questions for the next day when he explained the EFFING AWFUL surgery details. But in typical Ashley form, I didn't listen to anyone. Jake leapt into action quicker than I did. It took a long time for our roles to flip. But they did, a few times.
A 3 year old, a 2 year old, a 6 month old and a large stupid effing tumor to dominate.
And dominate, we did. 👊💪
One year out from diagnosis day and it's hard to believe it was only a year ago. I feel like I've lived 5 lifetimes this year.
I'll probably blog a little more to get me through the next few weeks. It's such a happy ending but it's so hard to relive it.
