I had a phone consult with Anesthesiology about Vivian's surgery. I'm a nurse. This stuff should make sense to me. I should expect these things, see them coming. I should be preparing myself. I KNOW what she's going to look like when I see her in ICU. I SHOULD be able to visualize it now and the angst might be a little less when it happens. But... it makes me want to puke. I can't make myself think about it, not on my girl. Not on my baby.
Unless I'm forced to.. which I was.. today. I figured it out. My "good" days are the days I'm at home, with my babies.. with no outsiders. Just our normal days. It's not like I look at Vivian and am reminded of a tumor. She's running around, acting perfectly normal.
My bad days are the days when her upcoming surgery is shoved in my face and I have no choice but to face it.
Intubated.. prone postion.. art line.. IVs.. sedated.. trendelenburg.. needles all over monitoring her nerves (in her face.. her head.. My God..).. Opening her up C2 to L3.. Lord..
There are days I can.. and days I can't. Today I can't.
Nights are bad. Aubrey is still teething (but her amber necklace came today.. Cmoooon relief! And sleep!)
Vivi hasn't been doing well at night. I haven't been doing well at night. When she cries out, it's a constant reminder of what's going on in her teeny tiny body. This week, she started telling me there is a "bug" crawling over her. "Mom, look.. bug!" She points to her arms.. hands.. nothing is there. I assume it's tingling, Ugh.
I used to daydream traumatizing things would happen to me. I've never had trauma in my life. I've pretty much lived a very easy life. I've worked hard, played hard, and settled down. But I always had this gut feeling something bad was coming my way. I would find myself weeping in the car over something that hasn't even happened. That gut feeling.. ugh.
I need to hit the reset button. I need sleep, and then I can deal with all of this and be the strong woman I KNOW that I am. Today is just hard. It's the weather, right??
My Bryn is affected. I hate it. My pretty independent little girl is becoming super attached to me. Both Vivian and Bryn always want me to hold them and snuggle them.. which is obviously a blessing. But, it just hurts my heart because I know it's not just because it's a normal kid stage.. it's because they sense what's going on.
I'm trying to slowly explain to Bryn what's about to happen.. "Mommy and Vivian are going to spend the night at the doctor to find out what's going on.. and you are going to go play with Nanny, and Mammy. But FIRST, you're going to Tennessee to hang out with Addy and Ella!! Whoooo!!!" ....She wants no parts of it. I thought it would be like a big vacation for her.. all kinds of family and friends watching her.. FUN! But, she wants to be with her mommy. And little girl, I want to be with you.
On the healthcare side of things, my insurance thinks they can just deny Vivi's entire admission to Dayton's. Ya know.. the one where they found the spinal tumor... "medically unnecessary"..
I mean, it won't stand. I won't let it stand (mama roar). But.. just annoying. On top of everything else, can't we just stop having to take extra steps? We work. We pay our insurance. We never abuse the system. Just help us out.. grrrrr!!!!
Let me leave this on a positive note. After reading this over.. I need some positivity. One of my sisters comes home from college tomorrow, the other one is staying to practice for Nationals after she GRADUATES!!! My brother in law, nieces and nephew are coming in town. And my sanity saving sister (I'm looking at you Heather) is coming next week. All my peeps.
Goodness, super negative post.. but.. I'm "feeling all the feels".. or whatever that saying is.
Pray. Hard.
Tomorrow will be better.
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